Trying to rest before quite a full afternoon and evening with my mum and stepdad coming to visit. The support worker I had problems with earlier in the week is on shift this morning, they have tried to joke with me but I've been wary and civil as is the case with most other staff.

Just hit me 5 minutes ago that perhaps I'm just destined to be alone, to give the pretence of friendlyness but to always be on my guard and never allow myself to be drawn into deeper interactions with others (other than my wife and mum) for fear of over extending and see it blow up in my face.

As such I got a wave of sadness, perhaps I am just too naive and emotionally immature to be prepared for rejection and the unpredictability of others... You'd think by my age I should have this all figured out by now and I despise myself for this weakness.

Am I destined to just grow old, alone, trusting no one and being a miserable grouch for it... I'd rather be dead than that.

Flip side, that is the negativity speaking

To give to others irrespective of knowing I myself am alone is a purpose. To seriously look into helping others with MH difficulties seems a just and right thing to do... Suffering is horrible and I want to reduce that state for others... Perhaps, just perhaps that in turn will make my own existence that bit more bearable.