Unfortunately at this moment I think I need anything to cling to to stop me writing him that letter begging forgiveness. I keep thinking even fake affection is better than none.

I want (need) to understand what happened and why. I hate when things don't make sense. I like labels and boxes and order so I dissect and dissect hoping things will make more sense. Most times they never do.

Lazy. I can see that. It worked once (More than once. I doubt I was the first. Actually I'm sure I met the one previous to me. Wish I could find her.) it should work again. *sigh*

Sometimes it feels like it was easier being oblivious and abused (?). It hurts to realize I meant nothing to someone that I cared (care) for so much.