Hi everyone!

Before I forget and start over analyzing the details of my session, I figured I'd update you now.

I was planning on going in there today and talk about some of my concerns but I wasn't as upset as yesterday.

Well, around 9:20 this morning, his assistant called to re-schedule me. Immediately, I was thinking damn it, it's the insurance again!!! I told the assistant that I had off work today and wasn't available any other day this week. Which is true. He then said it was fine and we'll see you at 11:30.

But that did it. I was very upset again and I was kind of shaking. I quick bought a new journal and started writing. I made a list of the things I feel have been happening since the insurance started intervening. I was still shaking once I got there and was almost unable to go into his office. But I did.

It took me a couple of minutes to start in on my list. He kept saying it was okay take your time. Finally, I was like I need to tell you what I have been feeling since the insurance interference. He was like okay...

I told him that I was upset that he set a graduation date with the insurance company. He said "they demanded it". I asked well then whose patient am I? He continued that "he has a contract with them that he cannot ignore. He asked me if I can afford to pay for every session out of pocket because he would love to tell them to f%@# off. But then they drop him and me".

So, I said I don't think I have any of this wrong. I have a pattern of stuff that has transpired since this started. I felt the need to say, "as a former investigator, I'm usually not wrong when I make lists like this". He said "but you are wrong, completely". I was totally handling this like an interrogation! I feel bad about that now.

I then said, well, I don't think you care about me anymore. He asked "why don't you think I care about you anymore" and I said well if any of this is true then you don't. I just kept going...

For example, I said well you agreed that you thought it was appropriate to talk about reducing sessions. I said, "We never talked about this before the insurance issue". I then asked unless you are trying to break this unhealthy attachment you think I have. That did it! He leaned forward and said:

"<said my name> I don't want to be unkind to you" (I think he was kind of telling me I was being unkind to him).

Because then he continued with how "my insurance company is the lowest paying and gives him the hardest time with all the patients that have them". Requiring all sorts of documentation and the minute he said to come in 2x per week, "they started hounding him. He said he gave them a graduation date far off in the future and never planned on meeting it. It was to shut them up". He emphatically stated that it was to save me from having to pay for additional sessions.

He's thinking about dropping them in the future and has talked about just going on a cash basis with his patients.

He was concerned that I was so visibly upset and he did encourage me to keep going by the way. He said "this is good, keep going"...he said "I am not trying to get rid of you, I don't know why you keep thinking this". I was like you know me...don't you? You knew what sort of impact this would have on me right? He said that "no he didn't".

He went on to say "you are so mad at me" and he did look hurt. I backed off at this point, feeling a little silly. I responded with "no, I'm not and then I said...are you all ready for this?...I said "You know I love you (my head was down so to avoid seeing his expression). If I didn't, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be gone as I usually am.

We didn't analyze that comment thank goodness. I changed the subject and filled him in on what else has been going on with my emotions lately.

For example, my ex-husband, my boss and another old boyfriend that popped back into my life yesterday. My plan of quitting work to go back and take some classes, finish my certifications and then go contract with some companies. I mentioned having a second child and he said "I'm not supposed to give you an opinion but I don't think you are there emotionally"...I kind of agree. The plan is classes and certifications first. I could've left that out of the discussion.

I then told him about the problems I recently had taking Ambien where I was doing things that I don't remember with my husband. I would sometimes take Ambien and not go to sleep right away. Any way, learning of this and piecing it altogether made me feel violated even though I know my husband loves me and wouldn't violate me. But I started having bad thoughts about a sexually abusive ex-boyfriend.

Sorry this is so long. I think it went well. He doesn't want me obsessing over this. I then said well when your assistant called to re-schedule and that was number 8 on my list. He asked "why did he do that"...I was suprised that he wasn't aware of this. He further commented that they have been having some issues since they started remodeling and maybe it's because of that.

When we finished and I went out to pay, his assistant gave him something to fill out and was waiting for him to finish. So my therapist said to him "will you please finish helping her" and the assistant and I exchanged glances. I felt bad about that too. Maybe he was mad at him. He then said, "see you next time <my name>...

It was a tough hard session on both of us probably. But I think I'm over this insurance stuff now. I said all I really can say on the subject. Plus, I have other issues to cover and would rather focus my energy on that.

So what do you all think? I think maybe finally I got him to show that he cares!!!!!!