Quote:
Originally Posted by BeteNoire
Unfortunately at this moment I think I need anything to cling to to stop me writing him that letter begging forgiveness. I keep thinking even fake affection is better than none.
I want (need) to understand what happened and why. I hate when things don't make sense. I like labels and boxes and order so I dissect and dissect hoping things will make more sense. Most times they never do.
Lazy. I can see that. It worked once (More than once. I doubt I was the first. Actually I'm sure I met the one previous to me. Wish I could find her.) it should work again. *sigh*
Sometimes it feels like it was easier being oblivious and abused (?). It hurts to realize I meant nothing to someone that I cared (care) for so much.
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Try to remember, Bete..it's an ongoing process. I have days like that too...I go to sleep in tears, I wake up missing, and wishing but darlin...every day is a step further away...and I need that.
It's ok to 'study' what happened, and it helps. Just don't bury yourself in it (and that's easy to do, trust me) because it's almost like being with him again as each question is answered. You need to remember you're NOT with him...and if there could have been a choice, it WOULD have been YOUR choice, not his. Because, he was toxic, and no matter how we can rationalize and understand what made him what he is, it doesn't ever and can't ever change that he is what he is.
And please, don't think of asking his forgiveness. Ask forgiveness from yourself, of yourself. I had to. Try not to rush the healing. It only frustrates you. You'll be well in time, I promise. I'm so much better than I was, and I do understand what happened. In away, it angers me when I think back to some of the things that happened...but not because I didn't see them. In fact, by understanding how he was able to do what he did, it makes it easier to forgive myself for not seeing it when it was happening.
And forgiveness is essential to get thru this. Forgive yourself first....so you can eventually, forgive him.
Take care...
