Hellion, This is the first time therapy with this therapist has given me any relief from the depression (just started seeing her at the beginning of July. this switch in T's has been a really, really difficult one)... I'm like you, my depression is pretty much always there, but it has been really bad since my wife moved up north ahead of me. She was my barrier to acting on a lot of self-destructive and self-injuring thoughts. Then she moved, we no longer have the support of our couple's therapist, and my therapist left the field so I had to start all over again with someone new. All this came during a historically rough time when I would need more support, and not less. I'm actually pretty surprised I have not landed myself on a psych unit yet. Between the increase in ptsd symptoms, increase in depression & anxiety, and lack of real, meaningful support, I have no clue how I am still here and in one piece...
I'm trying to motivate myself to get to the beach at the moment so I don't give in to all the negative crap floating around in my head. I talked to my wife a few minutes ago and managed to smile and sound fine. I hate to worry her, but she knows stuff is rough for me right now.
Does anyone else have trouble opening up to a significant other even if that person is really supportive and wonderful most of the time? I feel like I have traumatized her too much in the past. I don't want to set off her panic, so I rarely tell her anything of substance... I feel like the only person I can ever be remotely honest with is a T, and even then I have to know them... I figure they are paid to hear the crap, so it's ok to dump it on them. I don't feel right dumping all the heaviness and darkness on people close to me. My T has supervision, and outside interests, and distance, and additional support if she needs it... my family does not have most of that (especially the distance). Though apparently my last T needed more distance... I think I was one of the first people to point out that she needed to take care of herself too. Maybe not one of the first, but apparently I picked up on her need to do so, and prompted her to take another look at how what she did for a living was effecting her. I used to do my agency's trainings on vicarious tramatization. I summarized that for her one day when we disagreed on how I thought my therapy should be progressing. I wrote it all out for her before I wrote out more details of some abuse. I told her it was ok for her not to read the details if it would negatively impact her, but that I needed to believe that some other human being might have that knoweldge and I wasn't left to carry it alone... Shortly after, she got another job that moved her out of the therapist role, and into something "less intense"... I feel really guilty for adding to her burn-out.
Anyway... I'm rambling, and stalling the beach. I really need to go to the beach... I need to stall the crash; or at least slow it down because I think it's already started.