Hi, Neena. I hope you are feeling a little better about your family. Is your son having a big bash for his birthday party?

My best friend's brother is a very reclusive guy.His parents died within a year of each other just a few years after he finished college. He got a house with his youngest sister, and then she died of cancer when he was about 40. He had a very specialized job that allowed him to make a lot of money working literally a few weeks a year, and he spent most of his time off at home. He retired completely very young, when he was not much older than your brother is now. One of his sisters gave him a lecture, which she felt was delivered very lovingly, that he had to get out of his house more and do some volunteer work, at least. He refused to speak to her for three years. My friend finally decided to mind their business for a moment and told his sister she owed her brother an apology for trying to mind HIS business. She didn't like it, but she did it, and now they talk on the phone all the time again.

At the same time, my friend was worried about his brother's reclusiveness, too. But he discovered that his brother did have some interests that did not involve his strict routines and favorite TV shows. For example, the guy is fascinated with finding ways to do expensive things more economically. He heats his basement with the dryer, for example, by bringing the vent hose in the house and putting a nylon stocking over the end to catch the lint. He loves to research anything he might want to purchase, ask the sales and service people a hundred informed questions, etc. He finds that fun even if he has no intention of buying the car, washer, whatever.

My friend starting asking his brother to go with him every time HE wanted to buy something major, and to help out by asking all the right questions. He is amazed at all the tricks the guy knows to get the best information, prices and service. His brother (with whom he had not been close as an adult) is happy to have his special interest admired and now invites my friend to eat dinner (always at his house, but what a good start), and to go biking, all the time.

Eventually, my friend's brother asked him if he thought it was true that he was too solitary and that he ought to do something for other people. My friend told him that his personality was fine, but he thought he would probably hate leading a group of seniors in song at the nursing home. On the other hand, he said, he did not seem shy or ill-at-ease when giving advice on saving money or questioning salespeople , and a lot of poor and elderly on fixed incomes would sure love to have a smart consumer advocate helping them with landlord problems, etc.

The guy was still very hesitant at the idea of picking up the phone and calling a volunteer organization, but he said he would be glad if my friend would ask around for him. He promised to consider whatever my friend came up with.

I thought this story might give you some hope. The poor guy is really afraid of people in general, but encouragement of what he can do has made him a lot more open and more accepting of himself as well. At least that is my view -- I think my friend did exactly the right thing.

Trying this on your mother instead -- that is, invite her to something that might get her interested again in something she used to enjoy, in a way that does not require your brother to drive her and go with her -- might be a way to go also. I dunno if you can find the time, but inviting one of these sad people to do something independent of the others, with you, seems more positive and more gratifying to them.

This is not really advice! More like the blind leading the blind, LOL. I just thought I'd tell you what my friend did and what the results were.