Hey sleepyjazz and welcome

I know exactly how you feel and have been in your shoes more times than I can comfortably relate; I've been diagnosed BPD and my 'all or nothing' attitude with many of the relationships in my life, has done a remarkable job of nearly destroying my life. The walk-back from the brink was no great thrill either, I might add.

It is possible, to slow that distructive process with love relationships and friendships but it takes a lot of work, and absolute awareness of not only what you're doing, but why you're doing it. It doesn't happen over night, but it can happen if you want it bad enough. I too remember the days before cellphones, and emails that could crush someone I loved in relatively short sentences, for a perceived wrong that nearly always was just that...my perception, or rather, my twisted view of reality. Sometimes, being tremendously (and horribly) empathetic, I was right and they were distancing themselves from me (which of course made it easy to vindicate myself from the awkward reality that I'd caused it), and justification was dry and bitter across my palet. Didn't stop me tho. Just confused and depressed me.

Then I'd meet someone new and the whole thing started again....only after awhile, I realized as the relationship grew, that I was going to do something, eventually, to muck it up. It was not a matter of 'if'. It was a matter of 'when'.

When it finally became a matter of 'why', I was partially freed...of course, I still deal with it everyday...but I'm more stable, and am making better choices. Not perfect choices, but better ones.

The BPD forum might interest you, and also the NPD forum. Have you sought therapy or counselling for the issues you relayed above? If not, I'd suggest it. We can't diagnose here, of course, but I think you sound so much like me, our issues could be similar. If so, I know, if you want it, therapy can help.

Again, welcome to the site. PM anytime, if you like.

Btw...it's afternoon with me. lol