Well I guess I ought to join in cuz I'm there too. I live in my head and it's getting better, but when I have a period of clear-headedness like I am now...I miss being able to escape into my head. I don't always like being "out here" so much. I hope that doesn't sound completely whacked.

I think my current clear head came from the understanding how the fear of separation and abandonment affect me all day long and contribute to my up and down moods, my perception of my relationships with about everyone. Seeing that component in the relationship, the glimpses here and there, makes the relationship seem not-real to me. It makes me wonder if I am capable of a real relationship.

I pace, too. In my apartment it is 20 steps from my front door to the back. That's getting better too. Sometimes I just pace, sometimes I pace and talk to myself, sometimes I pace and cry... it seems like pacing helps me think.. maybe it slows me down or is a distraction.. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to outrun something.

Last night I was sitting in my living room trying to read (focus and comprehension escape me at the moment) and I looked at the entertainment center and it was as if seeing it for the first time. It was really strange and not comfortable. I think it was just a perfectly normal moment... and I wondered to myself 'How in the world to people live in the present ALL the time?!?' Seems unfathomable to me.