... at all. I mean, I should. Last night was the first time in quite a while (years, if you don't count that one night a few months ago) that I actually got out a knife (first a key, 'cause I couldn't find my exacto knife) to hurt myself and broke the skin. There's a nice long scratch on my left hand now, which I enjoy having, weirdly, as well as a couple on my left elbow. If it hadn't hurt so much, my wrists would probably be sliced up quite well too, which is something I've never turned to before. I don't think I actually want to die--I believe this really is just a cliche "cry for help" as it were. I found the vein and everything, too... but it hurt too much to cut it. Yay for natural inhibitors, I guess. And I honestly don't feel that bad or care, really. I know what most of you will say in response to this (I think) and while I greatly appreciate it, it's kind of funny that I STILL don't think of SI as particularly "wrong" or "bad" when it comes to me, especially in the moment I'm doing it. I guess I feel a bit ashamed, coming here to admit it (which is why it's a good thing), but I'd rather promote the behavior within myself.

Does anybody else feel like they'd rather fail than try, that they'd rather be hurt and messed up than admit they need to be healed? Bleh, I just don't know.

argle bargle,
~muse