Ok. Ok. I'm already disconnected and missing him.

But maybe writing about it will bring me back.

We started out talking about my impulsive behaviors. I told him I spent a lot of money last night. Then I told him, "Do something!!" He said, "What do you want me to do?" I said, "Make me stop shopping!!" And he said, "Do you want me to do some cognitive-behavioral therapy?" Then we both laughed because it's something we joke about-- since he's a psychoanalyst and I want to be a psychoanalyst we both know we aren't really into CBT. So whenever I want to stop a behavior immediately I say, "Don't you know some CBT or something?!"

Then I told him I am unhappy. I told him about how I feel empty a lot of the time, disconnected from everyone and everything. I told him that I feel connected when I am with him, but when I leave I can't internalize the connection.

Then he asked me if all this talk about feeling disconnected (particularly in regards to my husband, at times) had anything to do with what I told him at the end of last week's session.

At this point I wanted to die because at the end of last week's session I had told him how for the last 2 or 3 years, I have been uninterested in having sex with my husband. I had equated it to my theory of unleashing my inner child with my husband because he is the only one I have ever gotten emotionally close to. My inner child took over the relationship and always wants to be held and cuddled-- but doesn't want to engage in sex. Once in awhile there will be episodes when I do, but mostly not.

So then T asks me when the last time I was interested in sex was. At this point, I was ready to go out the window.

Then he asks me if I am attracted to others in a sexual way, other than my husband. I told him that I am much more interested in getting other men to be attracted to me, but not doing anything about it. I told him how in the past, I would do something about it. (Getting closer to the window....)

So then I have this revelation, only I don't want to tell him because I know it's going to be embarrassing as hell. But then I told him it was all going downhill anyway, and things couldn't get any more humiliating, so I might as well tell him. I tell him about my pattern. That I have always been drawn to older men. I have always pursued older men or men that were in an authority position. I told him that my husband is 7 years older that me, and now that we are married, I have to find some way to see him as an authority figure. So I decide to act the child instead of the adult. Only at this point, I had my hands covering my face because I knew what he was thinking-- he was probably thinking that I had transferred attraction my to men in authority positions over to him (he's right). Of course he didn't say that. Then to further evidence that I feel this way, T says, "Well, here's what I think----" and I cut him off and said, "No! Don't say it!!" And he stops, kinda smiling, wondering what the hell I thought he was going to say. He asks. I go, "Nothing... please just continue." He totally didn't believe me, and knew I was thinking something intense, but didn't push the issue because he knew I wasn't ready. So he goes on to say that he thinks I have great insight. But I was still dying because by this point I'm sure he knows everything.

Then he says that this is something we will continue to work on because I told him it's been a big problem in my marriage for a couple years now. He said that if we keep working on it, there is always a possibility for change.

The funny part was when I started talking about sex he goes, "Are you okay talking about this?" And I go, "I guess... are you okay talking about it?" And he started laughing.... I told him how I have convinced myself that he is uncomfortable talking about sex just so I could get out of talking about it with him.

Then I said, "Am I allowed to come back this Friday?" He laughed and said yes.

Then I gripped the hell out of the railing and made it downstairs safely.