was still quite a rush here. people were busy all the time. but our arrangement works so far. I'm glad I had the courage to address it. now I'm alone while everyone is in church. feeling slightly unsocial but I'm doing okay.

there are these moments when I feel I'm getting unreasonably anxious suddenly. like a tiny panic attack. or the same with being incredibly sad. I'm getting back on track mostly after a few minutes. except at night. otherwise flat most of the time. it's like I am selectively breaking through the flatness and that can both be pleasant and horrifying. luckily my family is funny so there are many chances to laugh if I want to.

for some weird reason this has always been working. even in the deepest depression. It's like laughing has nothing to do with my mood at all and it is just a reaction of the body. (unfortunately where I live people are not funny at all and there is no chance for laughing usually.) if something is funny I have to laugh in a physical sense and when it's over I'm as depressed/ flat as before. should check if there is some research on that… I vaguely know the Freud theory about humor but no recent/ contemporary knowledge or how it is related to depression.
that'd be sort of interesting. (it's good if I get interested in things, right? -even if it is just for 5minutes and I'm getting tired again)

especially considering how stress turned out to affect my condition I get the idea my depression may profoundly be linked to preexistent anxiety issues. OR it's just being overly sensitive -I don't know. maybe both.