Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting4
Once one realizes what an N' has done (created) to cope at such a young age--for most, starting at about 5years old--....with abuse, or over compensation or extreme neglect (btw, that's the quiet damnation most don't speak of---the birthplace of the fragile narcissist and the one not as often seen as the malignant narcissist, yet no less hurt nor hurtful), they've still, for the most part, avoided psychosis (except in times of tremendous stress).
If a person can be objective and 'pay attention', one can, nevertheless, only get a glimpse of who someone with NPD is, and how survival has cost them so much more than, in the long run, they ever took from their........sources.
And the payment needs done every day....every hour...every moment. Even when they're alone.
If that isn't hell....I'm not sure I understand the definition.
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Thanks for that. I can relate. I had some pretty traumatic experiences before I was 5.... I don't remember anything except a few major incidences that stick out... How many people have any memories of things that occurred before they were 5? That's what I think is most terrible.. a child could have any number of traumatic experience before they were 5, and no one, including the child itself would even realize it (except that perpetrators, and they aren't likely to admit to it) because memories are unlikely to have formed. I suspect that's why some children who are adopted from orphanages can have so many problems. I know of 2 families that adopted children who were 5 or older, and it was just horrific. They child literally could not accept the love they were shown.
I have pieced together what my life must have been like. My father was stationed in Germany after being drafted, and we were there with him. It sounds like he drank a lot. My mom was constantly angry at him. I do have memories of them fighting, of my dad actually beating her. And that happened after I was 5 and when we were living back in the states. I have memories of my mother taking her anger out on me and my brothers and sisters, for no reason other than her extreme frustration. I suspect it was even worse when we were in Germany, and I was between the ages of 1 and 5. My brother was born when I was almost 3, so I was the only one she could take out her frustrations on for many years.
There have been times when my life has been absolute hell.... and it is extremely hard not to blame myself. Those around me certainly blamed me... there was a time in my 20's when I was completely out of control at times with my behavior. I tried to control everything around me.... I was in a position of authority at work, and I loved the fact that people had to do what I told them. I was involved in a church, and tried to take over a Sunday school class.
It is tough being a person with some NPD traits. We get to deal with the effects of a personality disorder we didn't create. We get to take responsibility for what happens when we are mistreated as children. GOD DAMN... It's like we are severely damaged and then forced to take responsibility for the fragile ego that others have created for us. If that isn't a form of hell, I'm not sure what is.
There are times I get a glimpse of who I am underneath all this.... and, I think I like him.