My Ts always ask, after I admit to a suicidal episdoe -- "Do you promise to call me before you do anything? No matter what time of day or night?"

I always say yes. Finally I asked the T I worked w/most closely: You know that I don't really mean my promise to call, don't you?

She said, ":Yes, I know. But I want you to promise anyway. I want you to know that I do mean that I want you to call."

I called a hotline once. The young woman there tried so hard to keep me talking, but I found the conversation kind of boring and circular. I thought she wasn't very good at it. But she was sincere. Caring. She was giving up her free time to volunteer to help suffering people, which is more constructive than anything I do with my life.

And just the talking, just being on the phone for a while, calmed me down, and I didn't have to feel the guilt of thinking that I'd imposed and scared someone close to me.

I definitely would call a crisis line again. Unlike calling a loved one, it is completely anonymous, completely noncomittal. I can hang up anytime.

A loved one will freak. If I hang up, they will call back. Maybe call the police (most of my dear ones are to far away to drive over themselves). I can take or leave what the crisis line offers, can make that one, final last-ditch effort to save oneself.

I think the will to live is pretty strong in most of us, and even though we are suffering and in such pain, suicide is still a very hard think to succeed at. 15% of us die -- but 85% of us live.

Anyone know how many of those who live go on to live happy lives? Or do we tend to suffer with depressive episodes for our entire lives?