No, it was not your fault. And adults who engage children in sexual activity -- no matter the extent of it -- are behaving totally wrong. It is the adult's responsibility to treat children appropriately. You were not treated with the respect and dignity you deserved. That hurt you and the pain and confusion you experienced then are clearly still with you.

They made you feel very uncomfortable and violated, which is why it is still with you after all these years. I am really sorry to hear that your father did not react to protect you and respect the pain, anxiety and fear you were showing. His failure only reinforced the message that your feelings and rights and even the safety of your body didn't matter -- just like the abusers did. His failure made it worse.

My best advice right now is to honor your feelings for what they were and what they are. Your feelings are real. You can stop denying them now -- it is o.k. Your father denied them, but you no longer have to. I would work on expressing your anger about the abusers and the ones who failed to protect you. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to speak with your voice, so you can hear it first, and then express it to anyone else you feel needs to know how you were hurt. This will be important to helping you heal.

Keep expressing your feelings here. You are not alone.

Be well,

mtd