Okay, this is my first time posting about this. I haven't yet been able to talk aloud about this except to my initial at I saw after being arrested who referred me to a trauma T. I only saw her 3 times so far.

Anyways, I don't want to post my full story yet... I just want to try and very sensitively put this out there that I am looking for others who went through sibling abuse.

I am not trying to belittle or un validate someone's experience... Okay. Personal feelings only here. Sometimes I wished more than anything that it was just a random rape... A stranger. But on that note, I feel more disgusted in myself know it was my brother instead of a more dominate role in the family... Like a father. That's why I want to be particular about other sibling incest survivors. I'm having a hard time with this.

My brother (3 years older than I) began becoming very violent towards my mom pretty early on. My dad was military and always away. We both had something happen to us with older kids in the neighbourhood (when I was 7), maybe that is where he learnt what he did. After that moment I was worried I was pregnant and I was even old enough to realize I actually need to have a period first, I just had no idea. We never told.

When I was 9 that's when things started with my brother. It went on till I was 14. The part I think is why it's hardest for me to come to terms with, is that I started to fear so much for my mom (even tho I hated her so) I felt I took on the 'parent role'. When I would yell at Chris it would snap him out of a rage. I knew he was mad and I might have to pay for it later. But eventually... I did just go along with it... I knew it was what kept him calm and I am so disgusted by it, inside I am dying while typing this but the outside.. Is void. When it comes close to heading that way in therapy I switch, or snap, I don't know.

But the disgust, it runs so deep in me and I can't let it go. I am going on 31 and can't let it go.

My brother and I have weird interactions now. I live across the country from my parents (who don't have a clue btw, they want me to house my brother because he met a girl online and wants to move out here eventually, tho I don't think anything would happen now... It would just be too uncomfortable for me). I want the best for my whole family, it's what has kept me alive always being responsible for them (my parents lean on me a lot, mostly financially in the past). I have recently started to 'cut to umbilical cord with them so to speak. I've never had parents I can rely on (I had to pay there flight and just about everything to get them to come out for my wedding, when I had there first grandson I gave them plenty of time to save and yet the closer to my due date the more they tried to hint for me to pay). They never did come out. It was a very lonely delivery as I wasn't talking to my husbands parents at the time and no close friends I felt comfortable asking to visit me in the hospital. Anyways, wow, totally off topic. (Sorry I tend to do that).