Yesterday in session T told me she had noticed that I had been feeling pretty bad during last week's skills group. All I managed to say was that she was right, and that during that group I was still processing my week-end that had not gone like I wanted.

I was too embarassed to tell the truth, because on a rational level I know it's totally childish, but emotionally it makes so much sense.
I've been a Backstreet Boys fan since 1995, at that time I was still being abused and for two years they kept me alive and were my only source of comfort. Over the years I've always found strength and comfort in their music. Fast forward to 2009 when I met them for the first time: All of them hugged me and it was eye-opening to me. For the first time men could hug me, without me being drunk, and it felt so safe, so comforting. I have since met them at least once a year, and everytime they hugged or touched me, or even only looked me in the eyes from the stage I've always felt so safe, like in that moment no one could hurt me because they wouldn't allow it.

Well last week I was at one of their shows, but didn't get lucky this time and didn't actually meet them or have any close contact with them. Rationnally I know that's ok, I can't be lucky every time, and they already gave me so much... but all I wanted was a few seconds of feelings safe... I didn't get them and it's still hurting so badly. Especially as I have no idea when they'll be back in Europe.

I know all of this sounds so bratty, entitled and childish, I know they're popstars and I have to share them with thousands of fans. But I don't care about they're fame when I meet them. All I care about is this feeling of safety that I've never felt anywhere else. I wish so badly I had a friend I could ask for a hug and feel this safe, but I don't.... and it's killing me...