I've been in therapy for about 2 years. My T has told me multiple times she won't give up on me and I still have a hard time believing her about that. I know that therapy is all about how much you put into it and I want to get better, but I've lost any will I have to try to change. I've lost any will I have to even try to live. I know it sounds weird to say all that I just feel that I've already tried to get better and nothing's worked. My T has asked me to try a new DBT program that involves group therapy, homework, and one on one sessions. I had sent her an email earlier in the week regarding my feeling and it turned out to be a jumbled mess. She texted me saying she didn't understand what I was talking about. So I thought about it some more and This is the new email that I sent her:

"I think what everything is boiling down to with my email the other night was this...

I'm not sure trying something new.... In any aspect of my life is going to make me feel better. I've had this idea in my head for a while that there was going to be 1 thing (that magic bullet) that's going to fix all of my problems. Taking a new medication, getting a new job, trying to start dating. I still have this dream that eventually getting married will fix the way I feel.
My outlook on my life and where it's heading lately is just going downhill. And I hate to tell you that because I feel like I'm disappointing you. And I know your running out of ideas to help. Or have already ran out of ideas. It's not fair for me to keep expecting something to change when I can't put 100% into anything. Including my own life. I feel like I've been put at this crossroads at my life though where I have to do something RIGHT NOW . And I'm scared that you'll terminate me as a patient for telling you that. Please don't. I can't handle another major disappointment.
But I don't see any kind of future for myself. For some reason I've never seen myself living very long. I'm at the point now where I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to live.

If I try this DBT program I feel like I'll fail at it. It would just be another thing that I messed up. That I'll probably have to spend money on which will just put me further into financial debt. I don't even know if this program costs anything at all. I don't know what to do. One part of me really wants to try something, but the other part says that would be stupid because noting else has worked. So I can try, and I don't know what will happen, but I will try."


I'm worried about what she'll say. I don't want to stop therapy, I like my T and the conversations we have. But I'm worried she'll say she can't help me anymore. Does it sound like I'm being hard to deal with? What do you think she'll say?