I appreciate your comments, almeda24fan.

Feels more like a "war" than a "game" to me.

I was flipping through the channels yesterday and paused on Dr. Phil. He was intervening between a Mother/Father duo and Grandfather/Grandmother duo (in his "Dr. Phil house with no t.v. audience). The grandfather had molested his 8-10 year old granddaughter. A little later Dr. Phil was discussing with the Mother/Father alone and the Mother/Father were hinting at divorce. Dr. Phil said something along the lines: "A child has the uncanny ability to figure out how everything is her/his fault." This goes for the abuse and, if the parents divorced right then (especially in this fragile place) the child would definitely make it her fault. And a little later, he was speaking with the girl. the camera angle had her not really on screen (thank goodness). He sat with her and gently explained to her how brave she was to tell someone (she told her grandmother but the grandmother didn't tell anyone else, not wanting to accept it...which really upset the parents.). He told the girl she was not at fault and explained that sometimes people get sick sometimes with their thinking, like a cold, and that her grandfather needed to get well. he said he knows she misses her grandfather but he has to get well and it might take sometime. he was so gentle and reassuring to her.

it made me cry, because I could feel myself wishing that someone had taken the time to sit with me and explain these things to me when it happened to me. but when my parents found out that my older sister had touched me and had me touch her, they basically said: "brothers and sisters don't do that" and their tone was angry and they were stand-offish and distant. and they could barely look at me. that is what i remember of how it was dealt with. so it was my fault. i had failed my parents.

my profession is in the science field, with a lot of math and physics and computer back ground, and i have been sort of "trained" to look at things logically and methodically. so i can sort of "easily" see how things "logically" are when it comes to my life/my past/my history/my traumas....and that i'm not evil and bad in the logical sense.

but emotionally, it feels like it unavailable. i watched that on dr. phil and felt sad, wishing that 'child' in could have been reassured of some of those same things about myself after the sexual abuse. but i felt the tears grow rapidly from the tear ducts and slip down my cheeks, because i just feels like the ability to emotionally "get" that it isn't my fault was literally cut-off or severed from my subconscious. it feels like it is down into my subconscious that it is my fault for that event...and so many other events in my life.

so....getting back in the "game" feels impossi ble because it is hard to believe that the "game" even exists for me.

and i don't know how my therapist can continue to put up with me, or how any therapist could, because my needs are always evolving...seemingly always moving one step ahead and she can never meet them. eventually, she will burn out if I continue this way.

and with my current apathy about returning to therapy (which i sort of which wasn't there) it will make it hard for me to "give my all" in therapy...thus increasing the chances of burning her out.

i could try to help you get back into the "game", almeda24fan. i would be honored.

but for me...it is better to move onto "soils that have been poisoned" like me...it feels like nothing can grow here.