Guys, I know I've been ranting a lot, and I don't know what's more annoying to you--the rants themselves or my apologies for them, then ranting anyway. XP I guess I just wanted to tell you that I recognize what I'm doing, so... yeah.

I'm kinda confused. I finally had a serious (kind of... mom's never really serious this late at night ) discussion with my parents about getting me some kind of help, but after talking with them I not only felt like I was starting to have a panic attack, I have to wonder if I even NEED help. My mom was adamant about the fact that she went through her whole childhood in severe emotional pain, and that didn't end 'till she met my dad, but by seventeen she was able to function normally again and it was all hormonal... 'till she changed her stance completely. Blarrrrggehhh... Dad's just upset. He is so good to me, he really really is, and I HATE HATE HATE!!!!! letting him down and hurting him like this.

The thing that I'm most worried about, though, is that now that I might actually GET help I almost feel... worse, more anxious. I've mentioned this on PC like, five times now, so I'm sure it's getting really old for some of you (sorry guys... XP ), but I that's one thing I DON'T understand completely--why am I so reluctant to heal? Why does so much of me WANT to be messed up?? I Doooonnnnttttt kkknnnoooowwww.....

weridness abounds
and thanks for watching, folks,
your ever-ranting
~muse