For the most part, day went well.

This is probably going to be a downer entry but will start it off with the positives:

Day at home was lovely for the most part (I'd say a good 80%), wife and I had a light lunch of scones and Devonshire cream (she put jam on it, but scraped it off when I wrinkled my nose and remembered I don't do jam and crap like that :hashface: ), and then we got busy preparing for the bbq and our two guests arriving... apparently I shocked my wife by tidying up the dining room... and she told me later that when her dad came round she expressed amazement but kept her mouth shut at the time as I don't do 'cleaning' and she didn't want to draw attention to my break from the norm... in truth, I knew my friend is a massive clean freak and I just wanted things to look a little more presentable so she didn't take the piss.

BBQ was great, wife is a good cook (I know most husbands will say this for fear of never being fed again if they say otherwise... but she is actually good) and my friends daughter (about 8) spent most of the time with her chatting, helping and learning how to make burgers from scratch and stuff (wife is a teacher for around that age group so was just natural for her) while my friend and I had a chat outside... talking about work and primarily mh (she has recently being diagnosed with anxiety and agoraphobia which has come out of the blue and knocked the sails right out of her... very outgoing and outspoken person for the time I've known her) and her family and support group are of the ignorant 'snap out of it' type which she's been having to deal with through gritted teeth. Said that she knew I'd been struggling with mental health for some time and though we'd talked in the past she had never truly understood till it bit her in the arse directly. I've said that I'm a phone call away any time she needs to chat, off load, get a different perspective.

Asked me how things had been since I got admitted and I was quite frank and honest. Did this only while her daughter was well away and I was the one that encouraged the kid to go help my wife... too young to hear this kinda crap. Friend was really good with it, non judgemental and said it gave her an insight into how hard I'd been masking things while we'd been at work.

She's going to come visit me at the hospital this Friday and we're going to go for a walk around the grounds. I know where I stand with her... she's told me many times in the past that for her friends come and go and she finds it easy to drop people so I'm going to treasure the moments we stay in contact but understand when it comes to an end... chance it won't, I'm quite good at keeping friendships going irrespective of the above... I'm tenacious and patient... but it won't hurt if a sudden cut off occurs.

Ironically she has literally just text me to say amongst other things: "Lost all the friends I had and in times like now it's friends I need".... powerful coincidence as I type

When they left I had a wave of exhaustion, had really enjoyed the afternoon and was not even aware of being tired (usually I feel pressure building up) but it caught up in the end and I went into a bit of a blank state that my wife recognises... asked me if I wanted to come out into the garden with her but I said no, I'd just stay on the sofa for a bit. Intrusive thoughts crept in and the wish to cut... but I knew to do so would ruin a lovely day for the wife.

This is where it gets a bit negative.. sort of, was honest in the end and had a heart to heart with the wife... but I looked for options around the dining room and of all things to pick up on I saw a pencil sharpener... a blade I could easily smuggle into the hospital for later use, unscrewed it and slipped it into my pocket knowing that on entry to the ward that they check bags, wallets but never pockets.

Was feeling sadder and sadder by this point and sly... guilt that were it to come to cutting, the wife would find out at some point and would feel betrayed, that I would be taking a step back and the hospital would come down hard on me.... just felt like a total failure but the blade stayed in my pocket... just sat there and started packing my stuff for returning to the hospital. Wife came in and tried talking to me... I wasn't being very responsive so she just sat down in front of me and said how proud she was of me for today and how well it had gone... well that was a 'damn it' in my head and I must have looked thoroughly miserable.

Told her I wanted to cut, that I was frustrated and exhausted (I had freaked out earlier in the morning before the wife came to collect me and had done a couple of small cuts for the first time since Wednesday so had felt bad about that anyway)... that I was starting to feel very secretive about it... that telling anyone if I'd done anything was just getting me in the crap and that was making me angry. She said she'd never be angry with me, she doesn't like me doing it... but she'd rather I told her about it rather than hid it. Sighed, stood up and gave her the blade.. apologised... and she hugged me.

We had a chat and I told her that I was still really angry with the support worker I've mentioned before... that had I been my normal self I doubt I'd have ever got myself into that position in the first place... to which my wife agreed... that she knows my antenna for figuring people out is usually pretty good but I was caught out while vulnerable and as someone earlier in this thread said... not to let this bad experience effect my attitude towards others, that I am quite open hearted apparently, and when I'm stronger again I'll be able to apply it well but be guarded with the few that normally ring the warning bells for me.

Oddly enough, this post doesn't feel quite as negative as I initially thought.. been quite therapeutic... and if you've read it all, I'm impressed.

Edit: Ironically, my bags were not even checked on entry to the ward so I could have technically brought a small arsenal... had a small cynical chuckle as I sat on my bed.