TWTWTW

I decided to self harm today. For no other reason than I could.

I started with hovering a match over an old scar. It was satisfying.

Then I cut my wrist, something I don't normally do. It wasn't nearly deep but enough to keep bleeding for quite a while (at least 10 minutes). I made sure to cut down in one straight line and just kept cutting over that line so that if I accidently went too far i could blame it on something else. It was also satisfying but then I lost my interest in it when it started to try up. I was somewhat disappointed in that part.

I pricked my fingers on my left hand, watched them bleed. It hurt more than normal I guess because it's been so long since I did it. The blood was satisfying but not the pain which usually is.

Then, I just got dumb and used a hot glue gun to burn myself. Just a little dab here and there to feel the sting and the removal of the glue. Then I went for the big one and put a large dab on my hand, it hurt like heck but I didn't allow myself to take it off, I just yelled until the pain passes and when it cooled I peeled it. The skin is completely removed and I can't tell if it's white on red or one second of red away from being white. Surprisingly it really doesn't hurt much.

Then, I sit and think about why I did all this - and I have no reason. And I can't tell T because I made myself promise never to tell T when I self harm (she knows about it only when she asks really; i don't lie to her) but I feel like telling her proves that i'm an attention *****. I don't want to want attention so I do these things and imagine people knowing but make sure no one does.

I feel like a freak of nature. I'm too old for this (26).

I don't even know what I want.