Had a small chat with the one support worker I feel comfortable talking to 'off the record' though she has stipulated that there are boundaries to that and if it was something that endangered me she would have to say... I've accepted this.

By talking about feeling we are technically breaking the rules of my care plan as I'm meant to only talk to qualified nurses but she is a retired matron and as she puts it 'has been nursing before most nurses on the ward were born' which made me smile.

Told her that I was starting to feel like a pressure cooker, that the restraining the urges of impulse was taking it's toll and that I was starting to feel secretive just for an easy life and to get off the ward without disappointing anyone (was really tired so I'm sorry if I'm being a broken record and have gone over this before). She listened and said that it's understandable to have a breaking point... that she used to go to the gym and on the step machine would imagine she was stamping on the heads of the people that had pissed her off that day... I chuckled, reminded me of my mum telling me a similar example where by she would just smile at people, not showing any negative reaction but would imagine them on the loo with sever constipation straining and looking in pain. Odd examples but healthier coping strategies than I have I guess lol.

I bit the bullet and went to see if my contact nurse was available for a chat... turned out she wasn't and would not be for the rest of the night. My mood plummeted again but instead of cutting I wrote a letter as instructed by the nurse in charge of my file, walked back to the nursing station and handed it to her... expressing in the letter the plummet in mood during the evening, that my bags had not been checked (3 hours past that point by when I'd handed the letter over) and that I had almost brought something in with me if it hadn't been for self restraint and talking to my wife... and that presently I was barely containing impulsive urges to cut or punch.

Had no idea if she'd come and speak to me and I kind of regretted handing the letter over once I'd done so... felt a bit weak but it was better than just giving in and cutting.

Well she did come in and asked to look in my bags straight away, offered them over though commented that it would be daft of me to have mentioned it if I had in fact brought anything in.

She insisted on us having a chat... I told her about what happened with my wife, about the afternoon with my friend and the massive plummet in mood. That I had been desperate to talk to someone for a while but had been limited as she was the only nurse on shift and I knew she was busy (did not mention talking to the support worker, as said.. technically shouldn't be).

She said that the majority of the day sounded like it went very well... that I need to be a bit selfish at this time when it comes to helping others with mh issues as I need to get my own balance back... and that she was proud that I hadn't brought anything in... to have done so would have been a massive step back, I would have gone on observations again.. especially if I'd cut with it and that considering how well I'd done this week, would have been counterproductive. Was also pleased I gave her the letter and that she appreciated that it's hard to read my mood when I'm out on the ward (as I'm guarded) so her initial refusal had been based on my mask of calmness.

Kind of my own worst enemy on the last bit... just force of habit but people don't know I'm near breaking point till I've broke :s