hey echoes.

> maybe your email was so awesome and thought-provoking he is having a hard time putting together a worthy reply.

lol. i really have trouble believing that. sigh. but yeah... maybe he doesn't know what to say. the first email was about how he doesn't really need to say anything. then i thought 'and how the hell is he supposed to respond to that'? so i sent him another and tried to explain what i meant a little more. only it is hard because in the first i talked about boundaries a little. and how it was ok that he hadn't put limits on how often i email or how long they can be or whatever because often life is like that and limits aren't explicitly stated and i guess we could work it out but he needs to tell me if i'm too much. and i said i wouldn't email him again before i heard back from him. but i did that in the end. because i needed to let him know that i did want to respond. but i don't know whether that came through clearly.

and so i guess i'm panicking about what i've said. because a lot of it was about how i try and figure what i have to say what i have to do how i have to be so that someone will want to work with me. so that they will want to keep working with me. and i don't tell them what is really going on for me 'cause i don't know that they can / want to deal with that. and i shared some of my thoughts...

and he said it could take him a few days to reply...
but then i said he should take all the time he needs...
but it will be one week tomorrow...

and i'm surely panicking, i am.

he's sitting there going 'cringe. groan. how am i supposed to deal with this? that he is feeling like i've sucked him in like i've manipulated him into working with someone who i'm not. and now the truth is coming out and he doesn't want to deal with me. repulsed. i'm scared.