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<font color="green">I was so proud of myself – I actually told my therapist I was afraid to get angry with her – just cannot do it. There are three people I can’t feel anger with/at – my therapist, my father and my mother. With my therapist and dad, it is more an issue of love and respect while with my mother I am just plain scared. I am afraid too that if I really get mad at my therapist I will lose her. I know better but…The fear is too strong.
Naturally that was a big part of what we worked on for the session. I went into a huge panic attack, she helped me get through it and I was ‘ok’ to leave. But I keep retriggering the panic, right now my chest is so tight it hurts. The more I try to avoid this, the worse it gets but focusing on it is not getting me anywhere good either.
I am not sure what I expect out of posting this. Maybe just the relief of having said it and having someone read it. I feel so awful; I want to cut, I feel like vomiting. I want do something, anything to distract myself but I know that those things do not help. The old coping skills just delay the work and make it harder. I suppose I will just take an ativan and go to bed. Maybe things will look [?feel?] better in the morning.
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dalila
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-Erma Bombeck
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