Thank you everyone for your continued responses. It's awfully nice to be able to get advice about this here
First, let me cover the cucumber thing in seriousness, insofar as I can, lol. I know that would actually be a great discreet way to go about it, but part of the challenge I'm potentially setting up for myself here is that of coming to terms with actually owning a sex toy. To be able to accept the fact that I have in my possession an object designed for sexual use would be a big step for me. I haven't been able to do it in the past.
I do have my eyes on one potentially, I'll admit. Here's the thing, it's pretty costly. My worry, as I've stated is that I'll fly into another bout of self-hatred and throw the thing away in an attempt to make myself feel better, as I have done in the past. That would be a lot of money wasted in a moment of clouded thinking .
One idea I've had is to 'start out' with a cheaper toy and maybe see where that goes. That way, if I do become so mortified as to toss the thing, it won't be as much cash down the drain. Thing is, I've tried getting a 'cheap' dildo before, it wasn't great. It got dirty, it wasn't very good quality, and frankly the thing smelled horrible.
The one I'd like to get is top-notch quality, as far as fake penises go, but like I said, it ain't cheap.

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to respond to this. Yes, even you all in the cucumber crowd! I know my fears are not logical and that my concerns are largely unfounded, but this is a much deeper issue than that. I'm OK with the idea of getting a toy again most of the time, but there are moments where I berate myself for even considering it, and it's those thoughts I need to get a grip on. Having a place to talk about it helps more than I can say.