I think you may be on to something, Teacake. You said that your mother could be kind and compassionate – and I’ve known some other women who had BPD who could be, too. Maybe the sense of connection is about “are you present in the moment with me”. My dictionary defines empathy as “understanding so intimate that the feelings, thoughts, and motives of one are readily comprehended by another.”

Sometimes the women I was talking about were intensely with me on the same wavelength. Other times they were off on their own wavelength, not seeming to notice that I wasn’t there, too.