Hi all and Emma. When you mentioned these thoughts you were having it struck a chord with me. Everyone, I think I have a problem too. I don't think it is as severe as yours Emma, but maybe...I don't know. It has to do with girls. I have a very poor track record with girls, I've never had a girlfriend, I am afraid to approach them, I don't put my hands on them ever, even to hug or whatever, because it feels like I'm violating them. I've been afraid of girls my whole life, I don't know why, but not scared of them in that way, but scared of me on their behalf (sorry, I don't think I'm making much sense). As I got older, I felt more and more like a disgusting guy somehow, no, let me rephrase, a disgusting pig. I believe that me touching or talking to girls will literally make their skin crawl and make them feel sick, just being near me. When girls are friendly to me, I feel like I'm an overbearing, obscene, no good son of a *****. I feel evil even at times. I feel like a disgusting monster. I've never shared this on any of the forums before because as I write this I feel like crying, I feel like such a bad man. I did the same thing you did Emma, I also watched programmes on TV that made the feelings worse. I watch Crime and Investigation channel or one of those. I don't sleep much anymore and late at night there are programmes on about the most evil and bad men in the world and what they did. There are programmes about men that abduct women, psycho men that hurt and rape women. It never really bothered me before, but they did more and more programmes about profiles of these men, their lives. I was shocked to find that these men have had similar childhoods to mine and have almost identical personalities to mine. They are loners just like me, not successful with people, people find them odd, and so many similar things I just switched off the TV because I was overcome with feelings when I saw it. I keep thinking "The man they describe sounds just like ME !!". It consumes my thoughts. The result was it elevated my feeling of being a disgusting monster to new levels. I am so scared, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to become a rapist or something. I hate myself even before I've done anything, I feel like I've done something bad already, even though I haven't, I would never. I keep thinking what if it is only a matter of time before I snap? What am I capable of if I accidentally go into another "mode"? I feel so afraid of myself. I feel like a disgusting pig monster bastard of a man, I feel like I deserve to be hanged.

My mind has totally blown this out of proportion into a whole massive thing where I truly believe I'm a sick disgusting bastard of a man who make women's skin crawl just by the mere presence of me. I hate myself. I feel like I'm one of those men who committed heinous crimes against women. I feel like one of those men who touch women against their will or one of those men who continue to touch a woman even after she made it clear she is sickened by him. Please guys understand, that I am not one of these men at all! I respect women and treat them very gently. But inside I feel like this monster. It is impossible for me get a girlfriend because of this too. I can't can't can't flirt even a little with a girl. I immediately feel like an overbearing, sick, dirty, perverted, lecherous 60 year old psycho who's trying to take advantage of an innocent young girl. I want love in my life so badly, I really do, but I can't get past this. I feel so dirty and disgusting . I don't know why this is happening to me. It's ruining my life . Guys, I'm so sorry for bringing this up, I'm sorry, I can't write anymore, my eyes are welling up with tears too much...