thanks secretgarden. ((((secretgarden)))) 'cause he should never tell me of course. whether the baby is healthy or whether it was born with downs syndrome or whether it was not born at all is none of my business. how he is coping with that / whether he is coping with that is none of my business. is not my concern.

only it is now 'cause he has told me that that is in fact what is going on with his life. i've seen his enthusiasm as he reassures me that there is no %#@&#! way that he is going to become too attached or over involved with me because he leads such as varied life outside therapy...

and i googled him of course. when i first started working with him. i think it is wise to google prospective clinicians. to assess whether they have been hit up for major league malpractice or not... it is important to know. and what i found... what i found (that i could never mention to him IRL or... what would take a great %#@&#! deal of trust for me to mention IRL)... what i found... was him falling apart in front of judge for discharging a youth who went on to commit suicicide. he justified his actions, yes. but he also showed considerable remorse. what he said in front of the judge was that in his clinical opinion he should not admit the guy because he was not mentally disordered. he said that in hindsight (with the knowledge that the youth was charged to the equivalent of youth prison / detainment where he was meant to be on 15 minute obs but where the place did not in fact put him on 15 minute obs becauae of a staff handover)... he said that in future he would admit such a case because of the way things turned out with this case. DESPITE the fact that he did the right thing clinically and the boy hung himself. He would do the wrong thing (ie admit) next time even with the knowledge that it was clinicallky the wrong thing to do.

that is what i found about him online. the coroners inquest into this death of a boy he had refused to admit.

that was all i found about him online (aside from how much he earns for his time in the public service which constitutes public information).

my heart went out... i figured he did DBT to learn more about suicidal threats and calls for help and what one should do in such situations (relevant to the suicide). the inquest... revealed him to be... i think i do want to say... semi incoherant in court. he was breaking up. the death of a youth who he discharged as 'attention seeking' was breaking hm up. i figured that was why he spent a copuple days a week in private practice doing DBT. to make amends. to make amends for writing someone off as 'attention seeking' and 'manipulative' wihtout taking them seriously.

i thought... he would be perfect for me.

although... one concern is that he will g3t too involved which will involve his breaking up / being unable to handle... yeah.

and... another concern is that he will guard against a recurrance by... throwing himself into everything hes got IRL. to never get so involved in his work again.

and of course i want to soothe him. let him know its okay for him to care about me. let him know that i won't kill myself. that its okay. but of course i shouldn't even know about this inquest (years ago admittedly). it makes sense of why he would want to fairly much donate his time (though he earns alright don't get me wrong...) but it makes sense of why he would spend so much time in the public service seeing people with BPD... trying to put past judgements right...

though...

it also makes sense of why he would indeed be keen to live such a busy and varied life outside of therapy.

and... part of me wants to fess up with what i know and soothe him...

and... part of me knows what it knows and wants to see whether he really has transcended / moved past that...

and... part of me wants to hurt him for judging this guy as a 'manipulative attention seeking liar' even though i understand that his primary objective was to be institutionalised under the mental health act (so his girlfriend could act) rather than under a criminal conviction (so they would have been drug testing her and the like.

and... am i supposed to tell him this?
can he cope with it?
part of me is curious... let this be a test...
but part of me... is forgiving... everybody fails some tests but doesn't mean they can't help...

can't tell him what i've found online. can't tell him i just wan tto soothe him... can't... can't... can't...

feel numb.. need to put this away. if he doesn't respond next month... well... therer is in fact a time when you have tocut your losses...