Well I am at work... I admit it.

I just would like to give you a cyber hug though I do not know how that might feel to you. I wish you comfort so just accept it if it comforts you.

My first pdoc... had oh so many problems and I loved him as he let me in and finally I exposed my guarded self with him. In the time that I saw him..(about 8 years)... his house burned to the ground, he had surgery for carpal tunnel or something.. both arms, he had prostate cancer surgery and radiation (he actually told me that his balls were the size of raisins by the end of it all...and I do NOT share that with many), he had leg braces by the end and had a little ez ride thingie near the end of our therapy that he used not when with me but I knew he had it.

I share this for two reasons. I felt sorry for him. I sometimes was feeling like I was taking care of HIM. I do not think he demanded it.... or asked for it though he did share some vulnerabilities along the way. But....The other thing is that he persevered through it all.

I will talk more later. It is just hard.

I actually welcome the anonymity of this 2nd one (12-14 years?) that I have had for many years. I think the first one nurtured me which I needed but I think it affected my therapy with all that I did not wish to hurt him. This one... I can let er rip....and I do. I now wish (at this stage to be nurtured a bit ... feeling vulnerable, needy ) but I have grown so from just being able to be my show.... my time.... ME. Not knowing about him .... though some things of course just present themselves.... has helped me to be whoever I am and explore without boundaries... or at least as many boundaries.

I suppose I think that you, if possible should broach what you know... oh I do not know. I just do not wish that you take care of him. Unless somehow that takes care of something within you.... but ... nah... It all needs to be out in the open. JMO.

I will write more later. Take care.