First, thank you!

Second, yes I think so too. It's something to wake up for. I'll get there. When I was young I made friends with a stray cat and her kittens and her kittens' kittens for a few years, gave them food and played with them. It was also something to come home for, after all the misery in school, to find my cat friends running around my feet and meowing for food, then to watch them eat and clean their paws and faces, drinking water and milk from jar lids then play with them with crumbled-up paper or pet them or watch them just nap and wake up to stretch and yawn. Then my family stopped me because they hate cats. But now since 2006 there's been Finland to fill that space for me.

Third, that sounds so similar... even my mother used to say, that I was a gift from god to them in a difficult time. Exactly, they were bitter and disappointed and we're supposed to make them happy again. And it's the same... I was depressed as a child, by teens my father was dead and my mother had failing health that she couldn't do anything with me and when I was little everybody was too busy fighting to do anything with me. Going outside with family meant that we'll go in the car, and then my father drives 10 minutes then he and mother start fighting then we go back home worse than before. Thank you so much for sharing that, it's good to know to hear from someone who experienced something similar.

I also don't have any relations with relatives, they all hate each other and when I was young and started talking to someone then the other pulls me to the side and tells me how that someone is bad. Everybody was seperated in teams against each other and if you hang around that team then the other team will tell you how they are bad and so on. I couldn't handle that and I haven't seen any of them in years. It's the same in my family, I was in my mother's room few months ago and she said: "you look like your father when you grew, get out".

I'm just studying more programming and looking for a job now.