thank you everyone for replying. i feel a little better hearing that it wasn't my fault. when my brother said that, about my dad probably not thinking it was that big a deal, i just started thinking about it and wondering if maybe it wasn't. then when i thought about the 2 other men, both "friends" of the family, i started to wonder if i had done something to bring it on myself.

i think i have even more resentment toward my dad than toward any of those men. but i've never felt able to validate it because everyone who knew him worshiped him like a god or something. he always told me how much he loved me, and i think he did, but it hurt a lot that the only one interested in protecting me was my 16-year-old brother. my dad was almost 60 when i was born so that was always the excuse for every wrong or hurtful thing he ever did - when he said sexist things it was because he was "old-school". when he ignored all my cries for attention as a teenager it was "he's old and he's tired of raising kids". like it was my fault, or my brother's, that he decided more kids were a good idea in his late 50s. and since he died my whole family remembers him as this saintly person, which bothers me to no end. he wasnt perfect and i don't know why people act like he was. i loved him, and i still love him, but he wasn't a saint. he let me down so badly and i never even got an explanation.

i'm just rambling and *****ing now so i'll stop. but thanks everyone for replying and for letting me rant a little.