For those of you who've never read my posts, I'll recap, if this is old news to the rest of you, skip the next paragraph.

I've suffered depression for many years with the last 3 years being particularly bad. I'm not particularly responsive to meds and I've tried many, if not most, of the TCAs, SSRIs and SNRIs. At the moment I'm on Valdoxan, it is OK but not doing much more than taking the edge off things. Over the years the one thing I've learnt how to control is the sui and si urges, so as I'm deemed "low risk" I don't get any help from the NHS other than what my GP can offer and a referral for CBT.

I've been on the waiting list for CBT for almost 20 weeks, when I was referred I was told the wait would be 10 to 12 weeks. I rang up today to find out how my referral was progressing and was told that I would have to wait quite some time longer before I was at the top of the list, there are people who've been waiting 28 weeks or longer. So my guess is that it will be at least 2 more months.

I'm not working at the moment and my sick pay runs out in a month, so I've got to get back to work before then, and I'm starting to get really worried about what I'll do when the money runs out. All I've done since making the call about the CBT is cry, I can't figure out what to do next, it all seems so hopeless.

I'm speaking to my GP tomorrow, but that is only a phone appointment as he is fully booked for the next 3 weeks. I will ask my GP to follow up on my behalf but I'm not optimistic as I have no "special circumstances". As I've already been turned down by the Community Mental Health Team, it feels like they've all given up on me and there is nothing more that can be done. I expect my GP will ask what I want, but as there aren't any more options for meds without a psychiatrist, and there aren't any options for therapy other than CBT, I don't know what to ask for. I want to be treated fairly and with respect for the efforts I make to stay safe, just being low risk doesn't make my depression any less severe.

I don't know how much more I can take and as my breaking point isn't self harm or suicide, I fear for what it might be, if I have to prove a point to get help then ...... who knows? The only resource I have left to me is shutting down completely, just lying down and giving in. I've been close to a catatonic state before, I've no doubt I could achieve the same again except now I'm a carer for my 84 year old mum and my dog needs me.

I'm ranting and moaning, I'm crying bucket loads, it brings no relief. I'm locked in a cycle where I torture myself with thoughts of more and more rejections, what if my GP can't help me, what if I lose my job, what if I've made things worse by phoning up about CBT (I was pretty obnoxious to the person I spoke to, so they might deem me too abusive to work with)?

I know there are self help resources out there, but I'm feeble and weak minded and I have the attention span of a goldfish, I need help in real life to get me to the point where I would be motivated to self help. After all I learned how to stay safe and all that achieved was to cut me off from the help I need. I know that is twisted logic, but that is how anger and frustration have made me. I know I'm being a ridiculous drama queen, I also know that venting on here won't achieve anything, I've either got to submit to depression graciously or kick up a stink in real life.

How do I get through this?