Thanks for the messages of support and advice.. as always, encouraging and has helped.

Had a bit of a set back today... majority of day was ok but I went for my T session (also good) but got triggered on the way to the bus to come back to hospital, which meant going through town.

Wife was tired and probably not thinking so despite me putting my ear phones in to control the over stimulus of noise.... she wanted to talk. I kept taking an ear phone out and was being assailed from all sides by noise that I couldn't handle.... by the time we got to the bus station I was at breaking point and was barely restraining punching the walls/bus shelter (baring in mind we were surrounded by people).... I had to walk away, put my ear phones in and try to calm down.

Was still very agitated by the time we got back to the ward.. wanted to cut, so asked the nurse on my rota if she'd have time for our 15 min chat, she said she'd make time. Didn't happen... I kept my cool but was obviously disappointed to be let down. Next shift came on and only one nurse would be covering the shift (also on my rota)... explained that I was very tense and would he find time.... told me he was going to be extremely busy and wasn't sure.

I nodded... went back to my room and sat there shaking... wanted to punch the walls but couldn't because blood spattered knuckles draw attention... wanted to scream but couldn't as that would draw attention, wanted to start throwing anything in sight across the room but couldn't because that would draw attention.

Didn't want to write a letter expressing my feelings... done it a couple of times now and I've felt bad as the nurses are understaffed and if they are hard pressed and admit to this being so... a letter is kind of begging for attention they can't give but then feel obligated to.

So I cut... and the angrier I got, the more excessive it became... all concealed of course... but really went for it.

After a while the thought of 'you should have called your wife' came to mind... but she (she's not a mind reader, nor was it done in spite) had set the trigger off and I didn't want to get angry at her... but I needed to speak to someone.

Told her what I'd done... that I was feeling majorly pissed off at everything, worried about the future, worried about this, that and the other.. that I felt trapped from doing anything because it all goes in that damn ****ing file and then I get a bollocking from my named nurse and so only thing I could do was lie and cut discreetly when all else failed.

She asked me if I'd had intrusive suicidal thoughts to which I said yes... but that was pointless in itself... would only fail in here anyway and I'd end up starting from scratch with an even longer prolonged stay.

We had a long chat and she did calm me down.

An hour later and I was ok again.... and the nurse comes through and says he has time to have a chat.... gritted my teeth a bit but followed him through to the meeting room. Asked how my day had been... told him in honesty (omitted the cutting) and then at the end he asked... 'so have you self harmed?' I don't like lieing so I just went stony quiet and looked away. Asked again and I muttered that I had and was pissed he was asking as I knew it would go in the file.

He put a positive spin on it though... said about things getting better... that the positives recently have been outweighing the negatives... that 60% positive day with 40% negative was steps in the right direction... it was about getting that percentage higher but that of course there would be days that are harder than others.

Putting a line through it and tomorrow is another day... said I'm still dreading the telling off I'm going to get from my named nurse though