Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe
For those of you who've never read my posts, I'll recap, if this is old news to the rest of you, skip the next paragraph.
I've suffered depression for many years with the last 3 years being particularly bad. I'm not particularly responsive to meds and I've tried many, if not most, of the TCAs, SSRIs and SNRIs. At the moment I'm on Valdoxan, it is OK but not doing much more than taking the edge off things. Over the years the one thing I've learnt how to control is the sui and si urges, so as I'm deemed "low risk" I don't get any help from the NHS other than what my GP can offer and a referral for CBT.
I've been on the waiting list for CBT for almost 20 weeks, when I was referred I was told the wait would be 10 to 12 weeks. I rang up today to find out how my referral was progressing and was told that I would have to wait quite some time longer before I was at the top of the list, there are people who've been waiting 28 weeks or longer. So my guess is that it will be at least 2 more months.
I'm not working at the moment and my sick pay runs out in a month, so I've got to get back to work before then, and I'm starting to get really worried about what I'll do when the money runs out. All I've done since making the call about the CBT is cry, I can't figure out what to do next, it all seems so hopeless.
I'm speaking to my GP tomorrow, but that is only a phone appointment as he is fully booked for the next 3 weeks. I will ask my GP to follow up on my behalf but I'm not optimistic as I have no "special circumstances". As I've already been turned down by the Community Mental Health Team, it feels like they've all given up on me and there is nothing more that can be done. I expect my GP will ask what I want, but as there aren't any more options for meds without a psychiatrist, and there aren't any options for therapy other than CBT, I don't know what to ask for. I want to be treated fairly and with respect for the efforts I make to stay safe, just being low risk doesn't make my depression any less severe.
I don't know how much more I can take and as my breaking point isn't self harm or suicide, I fear for what it might be, if I have to prove a point to get help then ...... who knows? The only resource I have left to me is shutting down completely, just lying down and giving in. I've been close to a catatonic state before, I've no doubt I could achieve the same again except now I'm a carer for my 84 year old mum and my dog needs me.
I'm ranting and moaning, I'm crying bucket loads, it brings no relief. I'm locked in a cycle where I torture myself with thoughts of more and more rejections, what if my GP can't help me, what if I lose my job, what if I've made things worse by phoning up about CBT (I was pretty obnoxious to the person I spoke to, so they might deem me too abusive to work with)?
I know there are self help resources out there, but I'm feeble and weak minded and I have the attention span of a goldfish, I need help in real life to get me to the point where I would be motivated to self help. After all I learned how to stay safe and all that achieved was to cut me off from the help I need. I know that is twisted logic, but that is how anger and frustration have made me. I know I'm being a ridiculous drama queen, I also know that venting on here won't achieve anything, I've either got to submit to depression graciously or kick up a stink in real life.
How do I get through this?
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Hello OriginalMe: First off, I just want to say that I had to chuckle at your goldfish simile. I count it as at least a slightly positive sign that you can write such a cute phrase.
I do understand something of what you're going through. My situation is similar. Actually I've never even been given a diagnosis. I just presume, if there is one written down somewhere it probably says something about major depression, anxiety, suicidality & possibly GID. I have a pdoc who sees me for about 10 minutes once every 3 months. I guess I could have a therapist if I wanted one. But I've never been able to find one I thought was worth his or her salt. The bottom line, for me I believe is I'm now in my 60's. Nobody's going to do anything for me that they absolutely don't have to do. I'm just considered to be excess baggage. If I manage to off myself at some point, well that's just one less old person to soak up Social Security benefits. That's just the reality of the situation.
As a result, I've just had to force myself to keep going. I take the SNRI my pdoc prescribes. It's not great but it seems to help keep a floor under me. I've recently revitalized my long-suffering meditation & yoga practice. I've been doing it on-&-off for many years... (more off than on mostly.) I'm hoping I can keep it going this time. I may try to arrange for some yoga instruction along the way if I can. Transportation is a limiting factor for me in this regard. But I know, from past experience, being involved in something like a yoga class or group therapy situation has usually been helpful for me. Perhaps if you could find some type of group activity you could participate in, this would help you too. It might also help to make you feel a bit more prepared to return to work if you must.
Also, have you looked into any possible community living supports for your mother? I'm sure taking care of her is putting a big strain on your already fragile mental state. I don't know what's available in the U.K. Over here in the U.S. there is now allot of emphasis being put on keeping seniors in their homes as long as possible. What's available does vary from state-to-state. But such things as in-home care, housekeeping assistance, home-delivered meals, etc. can be available.
I do hope you can see your way through this trying time. I'm sure it all seems just overwhelming at this point. Please keep posting here on PC! You have many friends here...
