Dalila, I can totally relate to the self-hatred and subsequent desire to self-harm, etc. Clearly there is a huge amount of unresolved rage, rage that has been suppressed for a very long time....lots of self-hate, disgust, but most of all lots of rage that you don't know what do with it! And the accompanying anxiety is so understandable.
What did your t say/do or not say/do that made you angry, (but were too afraid to)?
As a kid, i was severely violated (my def. of phys. abuse) and I could do nothing to stop it. All I could do was suppress the rage. I, too, was afraid to get angry at t, I was scared she'd violate me too, or that she would not be able to tolerate my rage and would just not want to continue to see me.
Would it help it if your t reassured you that she can contain any amount of anger/rage that you express? I told my current t that I am scared she will drop me if I express all my rage and she said she can hold as much rage as I want to express. Kind of makes it safe to express it, doesn't it...
I'm so glad you posted, seeing others are struggling with the same makes us feel less alone....
Take gentle care,