Hello OriginalMe: First off, I just want to say that I had to chuckle at your goldfish simile. I count it as at least a slightly positive sign that you can write such a cute phrase.

I do understand something of what you're going through. My situation is similar. Actually I've never even been given a diagnosis. I just presume, if there is one written down somewhere it probably says something about major depression, anxiety, suicidality & possibly GID. I have a pdoc who sees me for about 10 minutes once every 3 months. I guess I could have a therapist if I wanted one. But I've never been able to find one I thought was worth his or her salt. The bottom line, for me I believe is I'm now in my 60's. Nobody's going to do anything for me that they absolutely don't have to do. I'm just considered to be excess baggage. If I manage to off myself at some point, well that's just one less old person to soak up Social Security benefits. That's just the reality of the situation.

As a result, I've just had to force myself to keep going. I take the SNRI my pdoc prescribes. It's not great but it seems to help keep a floor under me. I've recently revitalized my long-suffering meditation & yoga practice. I've been doing it on-&-off for many years... (more off than on mostly.) I'm hoping I can keep it going this time. I may try to arrange for some yoga instruction along the way if I can. Transportation is a limiting factor for me in this regard. But I know, from past experience, being involved in something like a yoga class or group therapy situation has usually been helpful for me. Perhaps if you could find some type of group activity you could participate in, this would help you too. It might also help to make you feel a bit more prepared to return to work if you must.

Also, have you looked into any possible community living supports for your mother? I'm sure taking care of her is putting a big strain on your already fragile mental state. I don't know what's available in the U.K. Over here in the U.S. there is now allot of emphasis being put on keeping seniors in their homes as long as possible. What's available does vary from state-to-state. But such things as in-home care, housekeeping assistance, home-delivered meals, etc. can be available.

I do hope you can see your way through this trying time. I'm sure it all seems just overwhelming at this point. Please keep posting here on PC! You have many friends here...

I don't know how to help, but I just wanted to say I agree with you very much, that just because you have learned how to stay safe does not make your depression any less severe than another's. i know how bad it can be, doesn't mean you have to be at the point of harming yourself, and it's unfair it seems to get the urgent attention you need you would have to resort to extreme measures. I'm sorry you have to wait so long for help. I hope you get some answers from your gp tomorrow. best wishes, hugs to you, I hope the help comes soon