Really don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel that bad and yet I'm getting all these damn self destructive thoughts and urges back again. It's got back to the stage where it is dangerous for me to leave work with a clear desk, because if I do then it means I won't be leaving anyone in the lurch if I were to do something and therefore I give myself 'permission'.

I felt far worse than this in the not so distant past and I have no idea why I'm getting these urges now. And I don't know why they are so strong. And I'm not really sure what to do with them...just trying to ignore them....

Last night I ended up drinking a lot of vodka, and did a tiny bit of self harm...was just scratches though really, didn't get what I wanted out of it. Would like to do a 'better' job of it today...

I don't really know what the point of this thread is...I'm just venting I think.