Thanks both, not sure if the following says a lot about my 'needs'... but been a strange day.

As I've mentioned I've been very reclusive and kept to myself... I listen to music for the most part in the main ward; noise I can't control or isn't low stimulus (one to one) jars me... partly why the night is my favourite time here and is when I come out of my room.

Well, I did an activity this morning (creative writing) which wasn't all that great... for whatever reason there was a lot of talking about how future sessions should be and the 'group' conversation was uncomfortable... I closed my eyes through most of it and used calming techniques, visual imagery and waited it out till we got to do some writing (45 minutes later -.- ), will give the session another go next week but if the 'chat' becomes a trend then I won't bother as it's a trigger situation and I'd rather avoid it till I'm more stable.

Came back to the ward a bit grouchy but put my ear phones in and ate lunch. Spk to the nurse on my '15 minutes of chat on feelings per shift' to give me a yell when she was free and retreated to my room. An occupational therepest came onto the ward in the mean time to specifically speak to me about doing courses and activities once I get discharged... had a chat about what I'd been doing, what I want to do and gave him some food for thought on a plan to draw up for me next time he sees me (this Thursday apparently).

Was still smarting somewhat from what happened yesterday... been discreatly looking at the cuts I've made and of course they make me sad. Waited patiently for the nurse on my rota to come find me... in the mean time the nurse for the next shift said he would not be in that afternoon and he'd swapped it over to a nurse that makes me uncomfortable.

3 o'clock was fast approaching (change of shift) and I asked where the morning nurse was.. turned out she'd been in meetings and was not going to see me. Can't explain it and as I said at the start perhaps this indicates 'needs' which I'm going to elaborate on later... I felt the pressure start to build... that I was to be let down once more and this time from a nurse that I have a lot of respect for (same goes for the nurse who said he had to swap)... wanted so desperately to talk to someone and it wasn't going to happen... and I got that trapped feeling I mentioned in the post above... came on so fast, mood plummeted so quick... was breathtaking. Made a cut... did nothing, and I didn't want to add to what I'd done already... and then the suicidal thoughts just cascaded... I put my boots on and was building myself up to going on one of my 'unescorted' walks.

There was still some rational going on in my head... so I went out to the nurses station and spoke to the nurse there... she was pretty unhelpful (and will put this into context later too) saying I'd just have to wait to talk to the nurse on the next shift... I was at screaming point by now... started to pace and found a nook in the corridor that is slightly out of sight of most people but can be seen if someone walks by... was better than being in my room. Punched the wall damn hard (didn't split skin) then curled up into a ball on the floor shaking.

One of the kinder support workers came across me, leant down and asked how I was... just looked at her in a panic, saying I was confused, had no one to talk to and was trying to keep it together... that the nurse I was meant to speak to was in a meeting and I didn't know what to do.

That nurse came out and said she would speak to me as soon as her meeting was done (which meant taking time after her shift) and to not do anything in the mean time (made me promise)... long story short I got to speak to her, told her that these 15 minutes were currently my only real life line of human contact at the moment.... that I was in my room for most of the time as I couldn't handle the ward (cascade of noise... behaviour of patients doesn't scare me) and sitting out there with earphones in was pointless. That my joy for walking had died since that was totally solitary now as well, with escorted walks being thoroughly discouraged... for 'independence' sake... a possible misconception of what my problems are. That being alone was feeding my misery (though on reflection, depression is often the feeling of being alone right?).

She was really kind, let me talk, cry... I even showed her the cuts (something I hadn't done with the nurse the night before) saying that I just felt ashamed. Told me that when ever she is on shift she will make extra time to talk to me in between the 15 minutes anytime... and that she was curious at the dismissal of the nurse above who told me to just wait for the next nurse on the shift.

Ironically an hour later the nurse who had dismissed me popped her head round my curtain and asked if I fancied an escorted walk... said yes of course and we had a pleasant chat for the most part (I keep walking chats pretty light), but she asked what had happened earlier as she had not read how stressed I was. Admitted that I'm probably my own worse enemy... poker faced? when I'm panicking inside (she was the nurse that let me down yesterday) and that I don't show my emotions when surrounded by other people.

All in all though, a set back was averted due to me seeking help and good staff being on hand to help.

Both nurses did comment that in comparison to how I was when I first came in though, there has been a gigantic improvement in my control and overall mood... slips and impulses are occurring but things are getting better.