Teens whip out the I hate you's, all the time. Sorry you feel that way, that's not how I feel about you, stated a couple times, seems appropriate.
It's more difficult, when separated parents cannot get on the same page. If kids, are supposed to come first, your H and his exes heated arguments, are more self motivated, less kid centered.
Blaming the ex, is blame. Not accountable for the father daughter relationship, as a separate entity.
Clearly, however, it's currently, highly dysfunctional.
Not certain of how to repair, but I can appreciate the sensitivity to the poor behavior, the difficulty, and the effects her behavior has had on your home.
There would need to be strict rules, in her return, cannot have an escalation such as that without consequences. Written out, and with her mothers agreeing to encourage the need for such rules. Eyes rolled? Bye bye cell phone.
A tough love approach. But in a way, that reaches out, extending the offer, if she chooses to visit or if she is, to visit again.
Perhaps, your h can address this with an individual counselor?
If he finds, he needs to step away, once addressed, can be done with a clear conscience, at least.