Vent all you like here. We're here to listen. I'm really sorry to hear you're suffering with horrible thoughts again. Could you talk to your boss at work about your self-destructive urges, if it's affecting your job? Or your doctor, GP, therapist, etc.? I don't think ignoring the thoughts and urges and keeping them to yourself is a good idea, else they'll just grow inside your head. Keep posting on the forums and let loose your feelings that way.