Thank you both so much... I truly appreciate your kind words, Christina, and your ability to make me think, Rapunzel.

As to my motives... my triggers lie within myself and my inability to cope with feelings of failure, emotional pain and frustration. If those get bad enough (often made far worse by an outburst from a parent) I'll SI. Honestly, I can't say it's been long since I've SI... I'll bite, hit, and stab myself with blunt objects just because bruises and small scabs are SO much easier to explain, not to mention I sometimes get really anxious before bed. I'll try to make myself stay up, even if I really want to sleep, almost as punishment for the work I haven't finished (I think... maybe?). Part of it might also be out of a desire for drama in my life; I am kind of an attention *****, and with no outlet for that (my grades aren't good enough for my parents to let me do plays), I guess that might be a factor too. It's kinda sad that I've gotten so good at figuring out ways to keep hurting myself without people asking questions.

So maybe that's why it's "not okay to be okay", as you put it, Rapunzel. You know what, though... I love getting attention, but I often deflect it away from myself, especially when I need it most. I am an extremely mild person, and saying something bad about other people or getting what I want (and possibly deserve and/or need) from them is really rare for me. So maybe that's it... I've been in situations where really messed up people have received tons of attention from me, so perhaps subconsciously I believe that if I'M that wacky I'll have an excuse to take a little more for me (thought I don't really need it, truthfully).

WEIIIIRRRDD... but thanks again for the good think.
~muse