WinterRain,

I understand.

My dad died when I was ten. I held onto the grief with everything I had because, in my ten-year-old head, that's ALL I had. If I "felt" the grief, then that meant that my love for him was real and if I let that grief go, how would I "feel" him anymore? I'd have nothing.

The sadness took over my heart and clouded my head. When his memory began to fade, I blacked out all memories of him but held on to the pain. I remember things we did as a family, and me walking beside him, but I cannot "see" him. I've tried so many different ways to remember his face, his voice, ANYTHING, but all I see is him in the casket. I remember driving to the cememtery, although I have no memory of the actual grave or burial service.

It took years of therapy to finally heal my little ten-year-old's broken heart. But when I did (and don't get me wrong, the loss was a permanent scar) that little ten-year-old began to thrive, and laugh again, and realize there was NO WAY it was her fault. I hope this will happen for you. You and your inner thirteen year old deserve happiness.