Thank you for answering, Travelinglady.

i've been in therapy for 6 years and i dont want to go back. thats why im trying to help myself through the forum and by reading self help stuff.

i am starting to doubt of myself and my perceptions. i keep feeling they are all against me, and from here all my hatred, but maybe they are not.

i know they love me and probably mean well, but i feel mentally tortured by them.

they keep trying to "talk" with me but i dread it and try to avoid it as much as possible because im terrified of hearing something i cant stand, lose control and mortally hurt them (with words - i am good at controlling myself physically).

how do i know if what i perceive from them is real or it is just all distorted by my mind?

and if i decide its real, how do i deal with it? and what if its not? im not sure i want to admit my feelings are wrong. i thought i had learned feelings are never right or wrong....

any thoughts? thanks for listening.