Right now I have that lump in the middle of my chest. It is like a bubble of darkness pressing down on my heart and lungs. I want so much for it to go away. I stood in the shower composing a letter to my T about how wonderful I was doing and how I have not hurt myself on purpose since our last session all the while I wanted to do what I do to make this this lump go away. I want to see blood cause the blood chases the darkness away even for a little while. I tell myself that I can cope with this, I can deal with pain and discomfort. I can deal with this. But the lump just gets bigger and harder and insists that I notice it. That I do something about it.

What triggered it you may ask. It is so stupid. I got a suspension notice from the phone company. No big deal because I know we paid the bill already and they have cashed the check. So I called them but they would not give me any information on the account because only my husbands name is on the account. It was so frustrating. Here I was trying to ease my discomfort, make things better for myself in a possitive proactive manner and I hit a brick wall. What really bugs me is that I am the one who set up this account in the first place. I am the one who signed the papers for the work order. I am the one who did everything to get this account started in both our names. I am the one who signs the checks to pay on the account. It makes me feel so helpless. Hubby thinks it is no big deal, he says he will just call today and take care of it. But it is a big deal. It brings up all those feelings I had of being helpless and unable to care for myself and being hurt because of it. It brings up all those feelings of hopelessness because there was no way for me to stop what was happening no matter how good I tried to be, no matter how careful I was.

I tell myself that was then this is now. I can do something about it but I can't. They won't listen to me. So I called up other phone companies to talk about changing services. Unfortunately we are with comcast and when they changed our service they change our phone jacks and it will cost too much to change the jacks back to regular service.

So here I am dealing with those old feelings of helplessness. Dealing with the dark lump in the middle of my chest. Dealing with the itchiness on my wrists and the desire to do things that I tell no one about. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. For what? A g*d da** phone bill.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos