i've been having dreams about him. had one the night before last. i can't remember the content but i remember him kind of standing across the room and i felt like i feel when he really is standing across the room. muddle of intense emotions. had one last night. he was sitting in the chair waiting... waiting... waiting for me because it was time for our first session back. i didn't show. because he hadn't replied to my emails. then he went to his computer and checked his email and he found... the emails. he hadn't seen them because he had been checking his other account. and he was mortified. that he hadn't checked them and that he must have hurt me real bad.

and when i woke up... i cried. and now... i think i'm able to be a bit more mature / grown up about all this.

i got to thinking on the middle ground between getting in touch with and expressing emotions and viewing things in a more grown up way. (i'm not at all meaning to be judgemental about the little feelings here). about the balance between getting in touch with and expressing the little feelings like jealousy and rage and disappointment and despair and feelings of abandonment and aloneness... and getting in touch with viewing things from a more adult perspective.

it is about being able to do both, huh. being able to get in touch with the little feelings and then being able to switch to a more mature view so that the feelings don't get too out of control. so that one can function in ones daily life.

i guess i've vented the little feelings well and truely.

time to kick the ego / superego (i do get confused sometimes ego i think) into gear... enough of the little feelings already... need to get into some work. yeah.