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alexandra_k said:
he should never tell me of course. whether the baby is healthy or whether it was born with downs syndrome or whether it was not born at all is none of my business. how he is coping with that / whether he is coping with that is none of my business. is not my concern.

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alexandra, so, you don't want him to self-disclose. Can you tell him that? I wanted my T to self-disclose and I wouldn't do therapy with him unless he did. So he obliged. He has a strong humanistic streak so it was right up his alley. I remember in one session, he said to me, "sunny, tell me your needs. Do you need more from me, do you need less, what do you need?" I was just floored by that, because I don't remember anyone ever asking me my needs before. Certainly not the important people in my life, the ones who are supposed to love me. It was a huge moment and I was speechless. I realized that a T can use some guidance from us on what will work best for us, and therapy can be a lot more efficient if we give them some information to work with about what we need. So, alex, can you just tell your guy that you don't want self-disclosure from him? I bet he would understand.

Just a little aside on self disclosure: I've been reading this book lately that I really like called Their Finest Hour: Master Therapists Share Their Greatest Success Stories. Each chapter is a case study from a different therapist. These therapists use such different approaches, it's fascinating. Today I read a chapter from a Gestalt guy, Gordon Wheeler, who uses self disclosure, and I liked what he had to say about it:

"Wheeler is quick to point out that we are not to use our clients' therapy hour to deal with our own issues, in the sense of explore and resolve them. Rather, what is often productive is to disclose those feelings, and at times the issues underlying them, when that disclosure can function as an intentional, strategic intervention designed to clarify a stuck place and break through an impasse....

You can always open up your experience to the client. There is always a way to do it that is not about you, but is about serving the client's growth."