it wasn't a doctor's diagnosis. it was my own assessment of what i feel most often. what my last doctor's diagnosis was that i had mild schizophrenia.
as far as i could recall, from the time i was elementary, i have been in many situations where i find myself "split". i mean, i tried having a super angelic front so that others may see all my good qualites, while having really bad feelings inside. my smiles would not absolutely coordinate with good feelings. and sometimes i'm not sure with any feeling that i have. if i begin to feel that i am good or i have made something good... there's always that bad feeling underneath. my feelings always confuse me. this led me to stop trusting my own judgments and that of others too. i always had the feeling that others, esp. those who are close to me, are backbiting me.
i tried connecting these symptoms from my being a victim of molestation (i apologize if this could offend u in any way). this happened when i was 9 or 10 yrs. old by an older male cousin. i've been through my own healing only when i was 19. but still i do not have a clear understanding of what had gone wrong with my life and what i should do now that i am having these symptoms. i really wanted to learn how to become motivated, to converse with people and to have long-lasting friendships. i want to feel better and better everyday!