Thanks birdpumpkin for what you said, I do feel less alone here on psychcentral, knowing others are struggling too, although ideally we'd all be doing better. I wish the best for you and your son too.

I'm feeling more alone and don't know how to cope with it. I know not going out at all isn't helping but I've been in this town a few years and still haven't made a friend. I thought I had one, not really but she just moved out of the building and never said anything. It's hard after being married and with someone for almost 20 yrs, to go to always going to bed and waking up alone. It was a bad marriage, he turned abusive and cruel (although I wasn't perfect and wish I could change some things I had done). It's not even "needing a man", its the whole realization that there is no one to share life with or responsibilities, experiences...I am glad I have my son, at the same time the pain of my whole life having been a failure and seeing no hope for things getting better, makes it very difficult to be strong enough for him. I'm close to the edge but I know I can't go anywhere. I know I can't change the past, but it hurts me so much because I just want to have what I don't, go back and do things differently, but its too late. Then, the present moment is filled with anxiety because my future obviously will be spent alone. I'd be lucky to make a few friends, but most people my age already have established good friendships. I feel I have no value so making a friend isn't something I feel I can do, what would they want from me? My life seems like its one long failure. I didn't want to go on disability, because I felt I could still contribute something. Now it's been so long I feel my brain isn't capable of handling any job. But then what meaning or purpose does my life have? If I was a good mother, I'd feel like there was value in myself, but I'm not. I struggle to take care of basic things. Sorry for the long vent. For all of you struggling here, I really understand pain, I'm sorry and I hope the best to you all.