Had a bit of a strange day yesterday that though horrible at the time, opened up a lot of clarity in my thinking and actually may have helped towards my discharge and feeling confident about it.

So, I have problems with things being sprung on me and changes to routine. My named nurse is a bit of a bugger for this... she is good at her job, very professional and I'm 100% confident that she knows what she is doing, I just don't like her and find it difficult opening up... she is one of those people that is very sure of herself and to argue is a battle... and with depression that's more effort than it's worth. Only way I can describe it is as a kid and you've been sent to the principles/head masters office.

Well some of my fire is back, but I'm still having problems getting a handle on my emotions and I don't handle confrontation very well. Last night I said quite openly that I find it difficult talking to her, that I've been querying if some of the improvement has been down to 'improving' or down to just not wanting to get a bollocking from her... this had stemmed from her further reducing my contact time with staff in preparation for discharge... the latter upset me as I've been very solitary and alone and those brief moments of saneish human contact have been a life line.

Well turns out she doesn't take being challenged very well and took offence to what I said, questioning my honesty (told her I was being totally honest, if she wanted it sugar coating, then it was a bit late for that) and also wondering if the last 3 weeks had done anything (pretty damn sure she was talking in anger; my wife, psychiatrist, T and friends have seen a marked improvement as the medication has stabilised me). Cocked my head to one side realising she had lost her cool and I was the one to suggest we step away and talk when 'we' were calmer. She ended up 'not finding time to' and said she'd speak to me on Saturday night (sod that, will get to that further down).

Well as the night progressed I destabilised and became very agitated, questioning my progress and getting in a right tiss over the argument... ended up cutting, punching walls and shouting at staff (was a bad night all round)... didn't get to sleep till just before 4 am, totally exhausted.

Had my appointment with my psychiatrist today and it hit me that in part last night had shown one clear thing - human contact in real life is something I struggle with and once I get out of here I'll be dealing with things alone... also that recently I've become a bit stir crazy... being isolated in a bed space for most of the time for 2 months due to noise triggers has been slowly driving me nuts.

Spk to wife before hand and she was happy with me doing what I did in our appointment:

First off I asked for the aspergers referral to be done via the hospital if possible to which my psychiatrist actually acknowledged that I do demonstrate traits that would warrant such a referral.... so it's to be done, will take a few months before I get an appointment though and to be aware of that.

Said that in light of previous discussions of hospital not being the best place for me... it has triggered and exasperated issues in some ways, I don't necessarily want to discharge... but I would like to start extended home leave sooner rather than later.

He has agreed to this but said for the duration I want (pref leaving today and coming back Monday to check in) I'd need to be assessed by the crisis team and support put in place during that period... the staff also asked my wife if she was happy with me going home for that length of time to which she responded 'yes, on the provision that support is there if we need it'... he turned to the nurse who was sitting in on the meeting and asked for the referral for the community psychiatric nurse to be pushed as there has not been any confirmation yet and once the crisis team have done their bit after discharge, the nurse will be my point of contact.

Turns out I'll have to wait till tomorrow for the crisis team to do the assessment as no one was available today (was late afternoon when we had the meeting), but at least I know things are moving in the right direction... will ride tonight at hospital out.