(((((Precaryous)))) It's all right to not always be able to give 100% of what you want to give.

Last year, we had to go through making end of life plans for my husband. He has cancer. The lawyer, the wills, the advance directives, the powers of attorney, funeral plans, plans for the care of our pets. All of that. We did it for both of us because I have a disorder where the number one cause of death is called Sudden Unexplained Death. My best friend, my friend soul mate, had the same disorder I have. We were drawn to each other and didn't know why for about a year. Long story short, while appearing to be in blooming health he laid down and did not wake up. Sudden Unexplained Death.

The possibility is horrifying.

My H and I are both still here. We made all the proper legal plans and plans with the hospital and got it all filed in the proper places and then just went out and lived our lives. Make it a point to avoid conflict -- too stressful and as we go along we say the things we have to say to loved ones so nothing is left unsaid and we don't have to go through the process of good-byes. The fact is that we're both significantly disabled in ways that other people can't see and in some ways they can. Earning power shot to hell. We obviously are not "right." But what the hell.

We're doing what we can to enjoy life within the bounds of what we can do physically, emotionally and financially. We're both introverts and spend much time alone. Not alone together, but alone. We made that all right. Other people can't figure it out, but other people don't get to choose for us.

We do everything we need to do to improve our chances of living with the best quality of life we can. We don't talk about dying. We both know it's there in front of us and there's nothing we can do about it. So we decided to live, with all the plans already made, just in case.

I figure that sudden death can happen to anyone at anytime. My best friend in college was killed instantly in a car crash. She was a temperamental person and she happened to be on the outs with practically everyone when she was killed. All over ego crap. When she wasn't having one of her ego attacks she was a delightful, smart, much loved young woman. Having those ill words hanging in the air when she was gone ... it just made things hard on everyone.

So, knowing that time may be short, I try to live in a way where it won't matter if I didn't get a chance to make amends or say sorry or thanks or even go to hell to any of the people left behind because I will have already said it.

Hang in there, Precaryous. Go through that daunting process of taking care of business. Get it done, do it well, then put it in a safe place and live your life. whether it be one day or one year or ten.

Well, hell, I feel a little choked up right at the moment ... thinking about when my H got his grim prognosis, he went out and bought a fruit tree that wouldn't bear a good crop for at least five years. He did it without any fanfare or special words. But it seemed as though he was making some kind of pact with that tree saying he would do everything he could to improve his chances of staying around to pick the first crop. It was a potent symbol.

You might read the book Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Seigel. It's an old book, mostly about cancer, but it's about facing the end of life, about how even if we can't cure our diseases, we can heal our lives. And the most important thing --until we're dead, we're still alive, so it's important to stop walking around like a living corpse obsessing about death just because we have a grim prognosis.

I enjoy reading your posts, Precaryous, even in the threads where I don't write a response. Your kindness and gratitude show through. It's an honor to get to know someone like you, even if it is on-line and from a distance. It adds joy to my life to meet someone who does her best to give hope and inspiration to others when she, herself, is facing an adversity the others may not even guess. You're a lovely person and I'm glad to have met you.